Conflict between parents or teenage children is normal, but if the conflict is frequent, intense and destructive, this can have a damaging impact on children. If you are a parent in conflict, or you work with children and families and you come across this, we offer practical information and advice to help. You can complete our healthy relationship questionnaire which will then signpost you to relevant information, or refer you for mediation.
What is parental conflict?
When families are strong and can solve problems, they will show good levels of wellbeing and resilience, leading to more positive outcomes. When things go wrong, through high levels of parental conflict or family breakdown, the impact upon a child can cause long-term harm, and so where there are signs of this harmful parental conflict, we have a responsibility to act through ‘early involvement’ with the aim of preventing the conflict escalating.
How conflict between parents, or parents and their teenage children impacts children
- School readiness
- Relationship with one or both parents
- School engagement and performance
- Physical health
- Relationships with others
- Mental health (including emotional and behavioural difficulties)
- Social, emotional and cognitive development
Domestic abuse and parental conflict
Domestic abuse usually consists of at least one of the factors in the following table (first column). Parental conflict usually consists of at least one factor from the second column.
| Domestic abuse contains at least one of these | Parental conflict contains at least of these |
|---|---|
| Physical violence | High degree of anger, mistrust or frustration |
| Sexual violence | Verbal altercations (regular or extreme) |
| Threats to cause or evidence of physical or emotional harm (to self, children or others) |
Discussions quickly escalate into arguments |
| Coercive control | Ongoing difficulties to communicate effectively |
| Financial abuse | Low ability to compromise or solve problems |
| Children severely impacted from behaviours of parent(s) | Children witness persistent arguments or feelings of tension at home |
| Stalking | Loss of focus of the child/children |
| Isolation (or intense jealousy) | Isolation |
| Power imbalance | Anxiety/depression |
| Not taking responsibility or blaming others | Change in appearance |
| Lack of respect | |
| Different views on parenting which regularly clash | |
| Loss of empathy or recognition for other views or feelings |
Domestic abuse
If you feel that there are elements of the above factors from the domestic abuse column
Southside Family Project
The Southside Family Project provides support for both male and female domestic abuse victims. They host Independent Domestic Violence Advisors (IDVA) and Independent Advice Navigators (IANs) who will give you advice and information. You can assess this service through your GP, or call them for more information on 01225 33 12 43.
Julian House
Julian House runs the Freedom Programme which is a 12-week group work rolling programme for female victims.
RSVP (DHI)
Resolve to Stop the Violence (RSVP) is a service for perpetrators of Domestic Abuse who have become confrontational and aggressive towards family members. Find contact details for RSVP on their website.
Bright Sky App
This is an App to provide domestic abuse support and information for both victims and practitioners. It can be disguised as a weather app to protect the victim if needed. Download for an IOS device, or android.
Voices
Voices is a Bath-based charity founded by women who have experienced domestic abuse. They provide peer support and recovery programmes for women who are experiencing or have experienced domestic abuse. They are open from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday. You can contact them by calling 01225 984189 or 07523 506239, emailing them at: info@voicescharity.org, or by visiting the Voices website.
Parental conflict
If you feel that there are elements of the above factors from the parental conflict column, please open up the relevant tab below.
Where you see signs of harmful parental conflict, you have a responsibility to act through ‘early involvement’ with the aim of preventing the conflict escalating, which can achieve a positive effect for a child’s outcome.
If you identify a couple or family that you feel needs support, complete our healthy relationship questionnaire with both parties first. This will give you a score to indicate next steps that can be taken. Depending on the score, a next next step could be signposting to relevant services for help, or a referral for mediation.
Our Family Mediation Worker (FMW) will consider all mediation referrals within five working days and you will be informed of the outcome either way.
If couple or family are not eligible for mediation
If you complete the healthy relationship questionnaire and then submit a referral for mediation, and the couple or family are not eligible, or both parties do not agree to engage / give consent, the Family Mediation Worker may be able to suggest other services. such as Curo Making Time to Talk.
Curo Making Time to Talk is an example of other services. This service is suitable for teenagers aged 16 - 25 who are arguing with a parent or guardian or a parent or guardian of a young person is feeling unheard or having constant family arguments. This service can offer help to resolve this conflict. and
Relate is another service which offers online and telephone counselling for adults.
If couple or family are eligible for mediation
If you complete the healthy relationship questionnaire and then submit a referral for mediation, and the couple or family are eligible, the FMW will arrange a visit with them (together or separately depending on what suits them best), and the mediation work will start as soon as possible.
The FMW will then ask the couple or family to complete an assessment, to ensure that all the families' needs are met. They will engage with them for a maximum of 12 weeks, to complete the mediation to a successful conclusion. If there are any outstanding needs at the end of engagement, the FMW will complete any referrals to other agencies as required.
The questionnaire will take approximately 10 minutes to complete.
Complete our questionnaire online
Go it alone
If you have some experience of reducing parental conflict or you are a skilled mediator, you can do the following instead of going through our process for mediation.
To engage couples or families in mediation work, we suggest that you do the following:
- gain consent from all parties (this is essential for mediation to progress and be effective)
- arrange a visit with the couple or family (together or separately)
- ask the couple or family questions to complete a brief assessment (or you may have already completed an early help assessment to gain the whole family needs)
- complete the healthy relationship questionnaire to check that the service you are offering is at the right level to meet the family's needs
- if both parties are willing to engage please use the following resources to compete mediation work yourself.
You may have your own resources already, but if not, take a look at the following ones here which might be useful when working with families.
Top tips for talking to families in conflict
Active listening
When you are talking with families or mediating try using 'active listening' which is where you should be asking questions and staying non-judgemental to both parties. The following are examples of how to be an 'active' listener:
- Don't agree or disagree
- Use more open questions (for example, 'what' and 'how' rather than 'who', 'where' and 'when')
- Avoid ‘why’ (this can force people to justify their position and become defensive)
- Change 'why' to 'what'
- Use language similar to the person you're speaking to, but still be yourself
- Focus on the feelings as well as the facts (for example, ask how a situation has made them feel, and possibly, what effect the situation has been having on them?)
Active listening includes being encouraging; you can do this by reflecting back a word or phrase to encourage them to carry on. For example:
Client: “I’ve been finding it really difficult lately”
Practitioner: “Difficult….?”
–– Acknowledging – show that you have some understanding
“That must have been difficult”
–– Checking – you can show you’ve been listening by asking questions, this helps reinforce that you have an interest in what is being said
“How did that make you feel?”
“What happened after you said that?”
–– Clarification – if you find that your client is skirting around an issue you can encourage them to clarify points, this will not only help yourself but is likely to help them too.
“Tell me more about….”
“… sounds like a difficult area for you”
–– Empathy
–– Summarising – this shows you’ve listened and understood what’s been said. It also gives them a chance to correct you If you’ve misunderstood
“I’m hearing you say that you’re feeling………”
Communication
Communication is key during mediation. Consider the following things when you're speaking to couples or families:
- How do they communicate?
- Would they like to receive/ hear, what they have sent/said?
- What could be the impact of what they are saying?
- Could it impact on the children?
- Is it helpful?
Reflection and a different point of view
- Try to get the parents to ‘see the children more clearly’
- Ask the parents, what would I see if I was watching your argument through a window? Describe the looks/actions/ feelings/ behaviour
- Is it scary/ frightening/ worrying?
- I wonder what the children are seeing / thinking?
- Ask them to imagine what the children would say if asked
- Ask what the children may be feeling
- What is it like to be the child?
- Are they feeling blamed? Often children hear references to themselves in the arguments.
- Are they feeling the argument is their fault?
- If appropriate, can you explore with the children what they are thinking/feeling about the parental conflict.
This can be a powerful tool to show the parents what the children are experiencing and how they are being impacted.
‘I’ statements
Try to encourage parents to use ‘I’ statements as this focuses on the feelings of the speaker rather than the blaming the listener. ‘You’ statements often come across as an accusation and will make the listener feel defensive, by using an ‘I’ statement it will enable the speakers to be assertive without making any accusations, making the listener feel less defensive.
Examples:
You just don’t understand me
or
I feel like I’m not being understood and it’s making me feel upset
Why are you always late?
or
I feel anxious and worried when you don’t come home on time
You don’t do anything when you get home in the evening
or
I feel overwhelmed when I get the children ready for bed
You never think of me
or
I feel like I’m being forgotten and that I’m not important
In discussions or problem solving (talking or texting)
Use “I” statements, then maybe encourage the person to finish the sentence with “What do you think/feel”. This helps the listener feel included and value their opinion or views.
Remember! It’s difficult for a couple to ‘open up’ to you about their views and feelings, ensure you build a good relationship with the family. Listen, observe, acknowledge feelings, don’t offer an opinion It may be a good idea to see each member of the family separately, so that they be able to share their thoughts safely.
- What is working well?
- What is not working well?
- How would they like the relationship to look like?
- Could you plan some realistic achievements?
If you feel that your relationship with your partner, ex-partner or teenage child is in conflict, take our healthy relationship questionnaire to see what shape your relationship is in. You will be given a score at the end of the questionnaire which will tell you more about your relationship and either signpost you to relevant services, or a referral for mediation. Mediation can help to work through issues caused by parental conflict.
Our Family Mediation Worker (FMW) will consider all referrals within five working days and you will be informed of the outcome either way.
If couple or family are not eligible for mediation
If you complete the healthy relationship questionnaire and then submit a referral for mediation, and the couple or family are not eligible, or both parties do not agree to engage / give consent, the Family Mediation Worker may be able to suggest other services. such as Curo Making Time to Talk.
Curo Making Time to Talk is an example of other services. This service is suitable for teenagers aged 16 - 25 who are arguing with a parent or guardian or a parent or guardian of a young person is feeling unheard or having constant family arguments. This service can offer help to resolve this conflict. and
Relate is another service which offers online and telephone counselling for adults.
If you are eligible for mediation
If you complete the healthy relationship questionnaire and then submit a referral for mediation, and you are eligible, the FMW will make contact with the couple or family and arrange a visit (together or separately depending on what suits them best), and the mediation work will commence with the couple or family as soon as possible.
The FMW will then ask the couple or family to complete an assessment, to ensure that all the families' needs are met. They will engage with them for a maximum of 12 weeks, to complete the mediation to a successful conclusion. At the time of closure if there are any outstanding needs, the FMW will complete any referrals to other agencies as required.
All referrals will need to be made using this form. You will receive an acknowledgment of your referral and the date of the next allocation meeting within 5 working days of receipt of receiving this form. You will be notified of the outcome within 5 working days of the allocation meeting.
The questionnaire will take approximately 10 minutes to complete.